control

 There is so much to feel right now. Too much. I feel like my head is going to explode into a thousand tiny pieces of glittery garbage because of how many feelings and thoughts I have to process this week, after realizing how much of my country - MY COUNTRY - does not think that I should have the right to make decisions about what happens to MY LIFE. And somehow, someway, that is one of many MANY harm-filled outcomes that my fellow Americans decided was simply not a problem in this election. I don't know how we are possibly supposed to move on. But I will try.

In therapy this week, we talked about focusing on our "circle of control" and I have been holding on to that concept so tight in the days following that I may very well PASS OUT from the effort. I am absolutely wringing it dry!! But all things considered, it has helped me get to a point where I am actually able to (every once in a while, for maybe 10 minutes out of the day) focus on something other than the fact that this country hates me. I brainstormed some things that I am in full control of, because - and I need to scream this to myself over and over again to make it feel true - I AM NOT HELPLESS!! 

- I am in control of the people I allow to have access to me. Voting for Trump was a hateful action. And I firmly believe that we are not required to come up with excuses for cutting hateful people out of our lives. I do not tolerate that behavior - bye!! 

- I am in control of where I put my energy going forward, and I can focus that energy into marginalized and mistreated groups of people. My time is valuable, and I as a white woman am not nearly as affected by the outcome of this election as so many people directly around me are. I can give my time to listen to and help those people.  

- I am in control of the time that I spend in nature. There are so many pockets of nature that are untouched by nasty selfish human fingers, and those spaces feel like an escape. Even when it's rainy and cold, I can allow myself to become grounded. 

- I am in control of my breath. I can breath deeply into my belly, and I can let it out with a sigh (or a scream, depending on how many men have told me to "just smile, it's not so bad" that day.).

- I am in control of my routines. If I'm not able to keep up with the pace I was tackling life before, that's okay. I'm allowed to adapt when I am feeling such heavy feelings. 

- And also, I can chop my hair off if I want to! And this is not me saying that I could, this is me saying that I DID! And I watched the tutorial on the bus with the sound turned off, and so it turned out very badly! But I still feel good about it because that is a choice that I made and I DID IT, just because I wanted to. Take that, patriarchy. 

I am not helpless, I just feel that way right now. 

You are not helpless - in fact you have so much more control than you are giving yourself credit for.